As you will soon be very aware, I’ve been just a little stir crazy recently. The fruit of that mental state combined with a writer friend who proposed we give each other prompts, is this wonderfully confusing story. I had five elements I had to include, or ‘ingredients’ (this kind of writing challenge is called a Bake-Off), two days to write, and a two page minimum. I asked for help from my little cousin and got spectacular results.
So enjoy your journey through my frustration-induced nature documentary-esque analysis of a pretty nonsensical crime.
If you want to hear me reading this, watch the video here!
Ingredients
Panda
Pavement
Elephant in the room
Watering Can
“My Lord”
Bonus: Hanna
PROLOGUE
“Okay what if the elephant is drinking from the watering can? And the Panda is in another room… what was the other thing?”
“Pavement.”
“What’s pavement?’
“What sidewalks are made of.”
“What are sidewalks made of?”
“…pavement.”
“Well if the elephant is drinking from the watering can on the sidewalk… oh right the elephant has to be in a room.”
“…”
“The Panda is drinking from the watering can on the sidewalk and the elephant is in the room and… and Hanna is standing and saying, ‘My Lord’.”
“…yeah. Yeah, that works.”
ACTUAL STORY
The panda is drinking from the watering can.
Well, the panda endearingly (anything and everything a panda does is by default endearing) knocked into the watering can and is currently licking the damp pavement… endearingly.
It’s a hit with the viewers. Usually those logged into the Panda Cam catch an envy-inducing nap or a muddy rear-end slurping in some sunlight on a rock that can’t really be given an adjective other than perhaps… gray.
This of course begs the question as to why there is a watering can in the Smithsonian National Zoo’s Panda Exhibit. Could it be a purposefully placed prop to emphasize cuteness? Is it an overlooked tool by a frighteningly forgetful zookeeper? Both of these theories, while perfectly plausible, do not approximate the nefarious nature of a panda guzzling water from a tipped watering can in front of countless virtual eyes.
What possible purpose could an innocuous can of water stand to spill in front of thousands of witnesses, on camera no less? The warped piece of metal blessed with the tongue of an internet star is nothing more than an alibi; a cloak hiding the nature of a crime as inflexibly as the unremarkable rock beside it. We comprehend that if the panda is drinking from the watering can that lays on its side upon the pavement, then the elephant, that must be in the room, cannot in fact be drinking from said watering can.
The elephant must of course be in the room for otherwise the embodiment of a commonly used metaphorical figure of speech would be blown to pieces. One does not in fact say that it is time to discuss the ‘elephant on the pavement’ nor the ‘elephant outside the room’. It might be said that someone at the Smithsonian Zoo, whomever it is that makes the decisions as to which animals go where, has a keen sense of humor. That assumption would be incorrect. Said person is simply a reasonable individual that values the containment and preservation not only of fauna but popular phrases. Given a cloud and two buckets, one full of dogs and the other of cats, it would be one’s responsibility to make it ‘rain cats and dogs’, for otherwise the entire English language would be nothing more that nonsensical noise coming from vibrations that we pretend to interpret but in fact are incapable of assigning meaning.
Now that it has been established that the panda is drinking from the watering can and the elephant must be in the room and is therefore not drinking from the watering can, which is on the pavement, we must seek out the perpetrator of the heinous crime being covered by the importance, both metaphorical and spiritual, of these otherwise ignorant creatures.
A possible crime, given the evidence thus shown could certainly be a poisoning, as is usually the case with crimes and drinks. However, if the crime were poison then the panda would be dead in front of all its lovers and this would be a matter so horrible it could not translate into words as it is now. Additionally, the elephant would be dead, now a corpse of an elephant, and therefore no longer in the room, which we have established cannot be the case.
The crime that has occurred is the other law-breaking offense that is usually the case with crimes and drinks; the beloved black and white celebrity was undoubtedly roofied.
It would be a perfectly understandable mission to drug, capture, and become the sole admirer of an adorable panda, or instead use it to generate overwhelming profit from any sound-minded person who would like to interact with such a beast. The Smithsonian National Zoo would likely sympathetically pat the offender on the back and tell them to visit Tian Tian legally by paying them to stand in its presence.
But for once in Tian Tian’s life, he is not the center of attention, but simply collateral damage. For as Tian Tian takes an unprecedented nap in the afternoon sun, the elephant in the room is suffering the effects of the very same drug despite its irrefutable distance from the watering can full of high-inducing water.
The Smithsonian National Zoo does not have an Elephant Cam, for as charming as these peaceful giants can be, they lack the fuzziness and publicity that places pandas on the top spot for public appeal. Because these is no Elephant Cam, the amount of witnesses for the true crime is greatly diminished from those who view its concealment; a lone security guard armed only with an unflattering uniform and distasteful lack of caffeine is the only possible party that may have been viewing the elephant when it was given its new-found stupor, other than the victim and perpetrator themselves of course.
In this particular occasion, the ill-dressed guard and stoned elephant in the room share a moment of intense connection as their eyes, which are open, are incapable of registering any information before them due to the presence or lack thereof of stimulating substances in their bloodstreams. Consequently, the cold-blooded college student responsible is able to join the elephant in the room with the watering can before it is on the pavement, and provide an appropriate dose to cause an unwilling slumber before placing said watering can in the Panda Habitat, on the pavement.
The elephant in the room, having drunk from the watering can after all, collapses long after Tian Tian, for its colossal size allows the timing of this crime to carry out in a state of apparent innocence.
To thus complete the prophecy given by the six year old child with an intense desire to be helpful and even more enchanting demeanor than even the now-slumbering panda, the coy college student by the name of Hanna stands witnessing the chaos she has set in motion and utters the words necessary to placate the tiny monarch.
“My Lord.”
The End.
Again, I made a super pretty YouTube video of me reading this, along with a prompt for you guys to follow as well. So check it out here!
Sabrina Parra Díaz 