lived and died a step away

I didn’t whip the eggs whites                                                            like she used to

so the pancakes aren’t as fluffy as you like

but try it with peanut butter, trust me it’s better than syrup

and if–

oh, please pick up your fork, honey.

Oh I know you don’t like honey, I mean-

why’d you have to be four years old? You’re old enough to remember and young enough to be so freaking cute I could eat you up. She didn’t make you pick up after yourself because who could say no to those cheeks but I want you to be someone you can be proud of and okay maybe picking up a fork won’t change the course of your entire life but I’m trying. I wish… I look in the mirror and I wish my belly had stretch marks, I wish those big distrustful eyes had come from me, that I had gone through twelve hours of agony to hold you first, fighting the nurse for the privilege, letting your blood and my gunk cover us both in pure exquisite joy.

I didn’t know her except through her shadow but how can a woman who left you behind ever deserve you? You deserve someone who won’t die so easily.

It’s like you can read my thoughts because you’re puffing your cheeks to further torture me and holding your breath so your face goes red and grasping your throat like eating a pancake with peanut butter could kill you.

Don’t mess around like that, it’s not funny.

the worst-case scenario flashes in my mind, your heart-broken father and my worthless tears. I have to dive in to catch you from throwing yourself dramatically to the floor, wincing at the thought of taking you to get stitches.

your lips shouldn’t be swollen like that.

Oh god, oh god.

Where’s the phone? Shit                                             don’t tell your dad I said that

You’re going to be okay, we’re getting in the car now

Where does daddy keep the keys?

Take a deep breath, stay with mommy,

Not… no she doesn’t get to keep you she….

 

 

 

 

 

I didn’t mean to poison you.